New Year Res

Before I made any new resolutions, I thought it'd be a good idea to look back at last year's and see how I made out. Here's the one I posted last year...

"Stop wasting your time, your energy, your emotions, on people that don't deserve it or appreciate it. Instead of spreading yourself thin, focus more on culturing the relationships that bring you joy, and that you can add value to. Love yourself even more than you did last year. Believe in the best version of yourself. Listen more and talk less. Be the kind of person that you want others to see in you. And always, always see the good in everyone."

And as I read that, I remember how I felt at the beginning of last year, so full of hopes and expectations, so pleased at the previous year for all of its accomplishments. I felt so strong, so confident, and with that came excitement for the coming year, with all its new experiences and growth...I had no clue what was coming. To say this year had its share of challenges would be an understatement. Without tedious details, I feel like 2011 knocked the wind out of me. I spent most of the year just trying to breathe and do my best to look ahead for the "something better" I had to believe was coming. (It's why I didn't blog much this year...I didn't want to be living in my world, much less writing about it.)

So did I keep my resolutions? Let's see. I did a better job of figuring out which relationships I should be focusing on. I learned a little more about who I could count on, and who I couldn't, though I'm still working on that. And I did my best to see the good in everyone.

Where I may have failed is in the more personal side of that resolution. I lost a little faith in myself this year. I wasn't as strong as I wanted to be, wasn't as strong as I wanted everyone else to think I was. When the storms came, I didn't fall, but I wavered a little.

But with the realization that this new year will bring new challenges comes the reassurance that I have the power to decide how I react to them. With that in mind, here's the resolutions I wrote to myself for 2012...

"Believe in yourself. Keep dreaming. But don't just dream...grow your dreams. Count your blessings more frequently than your bills. Speak slowly and with purpose. Continue to be a better listener. Pause long enough to find beauty where it's unexpected. And most importantly, have a closer relationship with your heavenly Father."

Why I Want to Date John Mayer

Here I am, three o'clock in the morning, too much iced tea, now I can't sleep. What to do...watch YouTube videos of anything John Mayer related. Not really sure how that started, was just wandering around on YouTube when I remembered an episode of CMT Crossroads with John Mayer and Keith Urban that I wanted to relive. And it just snowballed from there...not the first time that's happened. He has a way of sort of sucking you into his energy somehow. You just want to see more...and more. To pass the time, here's some documented reasons why I'd like to date John Mayer.

Those roguish good looks. Can't deny it, everybody knows it, no one more than John himself, I'm sure. Can't put my finger on it exactly...is it the dark, wavy hair that always manages to look so touchable? The lazy, half-closed, bedroom eyes? The full lips that contort in so many ridiculous ways when he performs?

But maybe it's more than the looks. No, it definitely is. There's this charisma, this cockiness, that's magnetic and not the least bit hindered by his mischievous, somewhat boyish charm. Hard to describe. Some kind of egotistical, devil-may-care, I-haven't-quite-grown-up-yet attitude coupled with a quirky sense of humor that sometimes comes off as a little asinine, but secretly can be very attractive. After all, what girl doesn't want to be with a guy with such an ultra-personality, who knows who he is in each moment? But then there's that guarded side of his, when he says too little, gets standoffish, defensive, protective. I admired him for saying what he wanted, for speaking his mind, even when it didn't always portray him in the best light. I admired him even more when he stopped doing that, and instead left the mainstream and became quietly private about everything. It displayed this multi-faceted quality about him that's utterly fascinating. How much of this is just a series of perfectly calculated maneuvers on his part, I'll never know, but it's working for him.

Another thing about him that's fascinating? His mind. The guy is really, really intelligent...in a crazy, brilliant, nerdy, creative way. Just listening to him speak, his vocabulary, his unusual thought process, it's mesmerizing. I would sit perfectly still and listen to him talk for hours if I had the opportunity. In fact, I'd like to take a journey inside his head for a day, just to see what it's like inside that neurotic, type-A brain. That'd be one wild ride. Back in the day, I joined Twitter to follow John Mayer. He was the best of the best at one-liners and random bits of anything and everything. I'm still sad he's not doing it anymore.

But it's more than all this. Watching videos of some of his performances and remembering what it was like to be at one of his live concerts, I'm trying to put my finger on just what it is about John Mayer that's so unequivocally captivating. Is it the tilt of his head, his lips on the microphone when he sings? That deep, gravelly voice or the way his long, graceful fingers slide over the strings with a familiarity that'd make you swear his guitar was an extension of himself? But no, it's more than that, too. I was watching this video of a live performance of possibly my favorite JM song when it hit me. What he does, the art that he creates, is so beautiful. Watching him perform, you can see into his soul, his heart, feel his passion. He creates this energy, and you want to just reach out and touch it, wrap it around you until you're enveloped in it, anything to be a part of his light. That's it. You just want to be "where the light is."

When did eating healthy becoming an eating disorder?

I want to start off by saying from the bottom of my heart that I do not at any point in this rant mean to downplay the suffering of millions of people that have actual eating disorders, so please do not misunderstand me. However, I was shocked when I read this article on Yahoo! Health today.

The article was not entirely shocking, and probably partially true. I'm sure there are a lot of people that use food in a variety of unhealthy ways to try to assert some element of control over their lives. In fact, there are several categories of eating disorders that are already generally defined as such. I empathize with the people that are dealing with anything of that nature and, again, do not intend to minimize their suffering. However, I'm appalled and disappointed at the some of the definitions and explanations of what the article refers to as "orthorexia."

One of the things that upset me was this particular phrasing, "[Orthorexics] may start by eliminating processed foods, anything with artificial colorings or flavorings as well as foods that have come into contact with pesticides." Wait. What?? So now people that don't make a habit of eating at McDonald's twice a week, people that try to avoid chemical additives in food, and people that purchase organic fruits and vegetables are on their way to developing a full-fledged eating disorder?? But wait, it gets more absurd. According to the article, for people with orthorexia "the focus isn’t on losing weight. Instead, sufferers increasingly restrict their diets to foods they consider pure, natural and healthful." Stop. Really? Sufferers?? So now people that are conscious of eating food that is actually beneficial to their bodies are suffering? Wow.

This author needs a better grasp on what she is writing about before publishing her article. Pegging these behaviors as "unhealthy" is irresponsible at best. This is not to say that there aren't people that take the idea of healthy, natural eating too far. I'm not trying to say that this problem doesn't exist in a select few. My discord with the author is in the explanations she gives. Her descriptions are so vague that not only is there potential for misinterpretation of the material, it's inevitable. In a society where the majority of people do not even consider the things they eat and how it will affect them, positively or negatively, no one needs encouragement to further distance themselves from healthy eating or to shun the (growing) minority that actually are interested in it.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am one of these "natural and healthful" eaters. And I absolutely do not consider myself to have an eating disorder. Without going into the (extensive) reasoning behind it and without passing judgement on anyone who chooses to eat differently than I do, I describe my behavior and habits as attempting to make choices in favor of natural, non-processed foods whenever possible and only slightly inconvenient. I am not a fanatic. I do not preach to the masses about my "food faith." When asked about my choices, I politely explain in as few words as possible. I am not trying to lose weight (and have actually gained weight since changing my eating habits, much to my delight). I am not trying to change my life with my eating habits. I do not eat things I don't like or that don't taste good to me, just because they're healthy. If we were to go out to eat at a restaurant, my plate would not look much different than yours.

And yet, I am still criticized and ostracized at times for the choices I've made. Good and well-meaning (but very uninformed and misguided) friends that don't understand my choices have tried to suggest that I must being doing this because I'm trying to "assert control," "lose weight" or "be different." This is not only far from the truth, but eternally frustrating and hurtful. Which is why the article I read today rubbed me the wrong way. It's just the wrong perspective all over again.

Maybe less really is more...

This is the new view I'm learning to embrace...that sometimes less can be more. For as long as I've known me, I've always been something of a pack rat. Not a hoarder, it's nowhere near that level, but I just...save...everything. I remember even as a kid, I would save candy, until I had bags of it. I don't do that anymore of course, but I do seem to collect, well, stuff. I have trouble throwing away things...clothes, mail, etc.

But when I started traveling for work, I had to leave a lot behind...only taking with me what I could fit in my truck. The first time I packed, I remember how miserable I was, trying to figure out what I would absolutely need, and what I could leave in storage. After the fifth contract (and fifth re-location), I've streamlined the process quite a bit. And in the process of streamlining the process, I've learned something. I don't really need all this stuff.

I realized that I've been living for nearly a year without all that stuff that I left behind in storage, and I haven't missed it or needed it. And if you can live without something for a year, do you really need it at all? Even the things that I take with me to each assignment, the things I thought I absolutely needed and couldn't leave behind, I've begun to consolidate. And I found that once I started to do this, I became more and more energized by the process. I went through clothes, shoes, boxes and boxes of stuff, making piles of all the things I've carted around with me for a year but haven't used. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes it wasn't. But I just kept telling myself that who really needs three white button-down shirts, or twelve pairs of workout shorts, or five pairs of strappy black summer heels. I had to admit, of all this stuff I had, I only really used a small percentage of it. And the mail, all the paperwork, every piece of paper that I thought might be of the most minute importance, I had filed away somewhere. But deep down I knew that I didn't really need the check stubs from three jobs and five years ago. The more I did this, the better I felt. Suddenly, I could breathe again.

That's not to say I don't like to shop for clothes and shoes, or that I don't still have a file of organized papers that I keep in a box. It just means I'm making smarter decisions about what I really need, and I'm replacing instead of adding. And not surprisingly, I'm finding that I get less overwhelmed in other areas of life as well. I guess when you clear out the clutter in one aspect of your life, it means you can handle more in other areas. Wait, this doesn't mean I'm growing up, does it?

New Years Resolution

A few days late, but I wasn't inspired to make one until today.

"Stop wasting your time, your energy, your emotions, on people that don't deserve it or appreciate it. Instead of spreading yourself thin, focus more on culturing the relationships that bring you joy, and that you can add value to. Love yourself even more than you did last year. Believe in the best version of yourself. Listen more and talk less. Be the kind of person that you want others to see in you. And always, always see the good in everyone."