My destination...Eustis, FL

Wednesday I accepted a travel assignment in Eustis, Florida. In spite of having an interview that I immediately thought had gone poorly, based on the types of questions the interviewer asked me, I got the job. I was shocked, but mostly just relieved that all the worries about having a job by next week were gone. I'm not thrilled about the location because, for those of you who don't know, Eustis is a very small town outside of Orlando, nowhere near a coast, and with no claim to fame. As far as I can tell, it's quite possibly the most boring place in the state of Florida. But I'd love it if Eustis proves me wrong...In any case, this is a good stepping stone for me, for reasons I blogged about a few days ago...

Today was a rough day. The last two days have been spent scrambling to get everything in order so that I can start this assignment on Monday. I spent yesterday running around all over town getting a physical, getting blood drawn, peeing in a cup (twice), getting a TB test...all of which involved a lot of...waiting. It basically took up my entire day. I finally got home last night, and was up til 3AM filling out all the new hire paperwork and completing endless online "training" modules that I needed to have finished and faxed over to my employer this morning. Today has been much more of the same...running around like crazy, to get everything faxed, to answer a million calls, and straighten out a million questions, and ask a million more questions...all in order to get everything up and running for Monday. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed...

Part of being overwhelmed is due to the fact that I really felt today the impact of truly not having someone I can count on when I need to. I consider myself a very independent person, someone who supports herself, makes her own way, and doesn't lean on others. I think that's just how it's always been for me, I've always known that I can only count on myself, that it's always just easier to assume that everyone else will let you down, because everyone has at one time or another. That's not a judgment on anyone else, it's just an observation...We're all human and nobody is perfect; we're all going to make mistakes at some point. But today was one very rare day, and this weekend is one very rare time where I can't handle everything alone...but I'm finding that I have no other choice. I'm not going to go into details, it's been several things over the past couple days, certainly not just one. Situation after situation just keep arising, and piling on top of one another until I don't know how much more I can handle. But I guess I have no other option but to just wade through it, and try to keep my head above water...

It's certainly not all as grim as I've made it sound, I'm sure...I still have a lot to look forward to, if I can just get through this weekend...and I haven't lost sight of the big picture, which is that I'm actually getting to do what I've wanted to do and been trying to do for a while. I could not be more lucky/blessed. I'll post more about my new location once I get there and get settled and have a chance to check out my surroundings, or what little there is to see in Eustis, FL.

Reasons for choices, and choices for reason.

I'm trying to keep up with my blog more than I have in the past few months, especially since I had so much fun blogging during my race and my training the last few months (www.racetoerase.blogspot.com). Right now I'm sitting at home, taking a week off before I move and (hopefully) start my new job, so I have a little extra time to blog, in between gloomily staring at my apartment and dreading the packing process.

A lot of people, friends and family alike, have expressed doubts about the career decision I made...to leave a secure job and start travel therapy (contract work). I know that everyone who's commented is doing so out of concern for me and for my well being, but I just wanted to address some of the reasons why I did what I did, so that there is a better understanding.

First of all, I didn't foresee that I would be in this position, leaving my old job without a new one lined up and waiting for me. I have been pondering a change of this nature for about a year now, but have put it off in the past because I was unsure of myself and because I was still pretty green in my physical therapy career. Now, I have two years of experience under my belt, and I feel much more confident in my skills, and I'm also just in a better frame of mind personally to accept this kind of change. So, when my lease expiration started looming, I just decided not to resign like I did last year, and to start looking at other career options. My co-worker, who does travel therapy, helped get me started with the company that she works for. I have been working with them for a couple months now; basically, their job is to find me contract positions in the location/region that I want to go. They've been really great, working hard to find me a position, but unfortunately my lack of experience in anything but outpatient orthopedics seems to be hindering me right now. I had originally thought I'd have a job lined up before my other job ended, but that is not the case. Does this make me nervous? Of course it does! Does it stress me out? Absolutely. Does it cause me to doubt the choice I made to leave my old job? Nope, not even a little.

Here's the thing. I wasn't happy where I was. I wasn't happy at my job, I was bored in the town I live in, I didn't really have many friends my age, and the things/activities I do enjoy are difficult to find around here. So, even though I had a secure job, it wasn't enough. I purposely let my lease expire, because I knew it would force me to take action. I now have 8 days before I have to move out, so no matter what happens, whether I have a travel assignment by then or not, I have to be gone. Sure it's not an ideal situation, but at this point, anywhere is better than here anyway. I'm just not the kind of person to stay in a situation that makes me unhappy. I can't justify staying at a job that I literally felt miserable at, just because it's a job. I know that isn't the right decision for everybody, and I'm not saying that everyone that hates or dislikes their job should quit. It was just the right decision for me, personally. I may be worried about income in the near future, but I do have some backup plans...and my excitement about my future far outweighs any anxiety about my job prospects in travel therapy. If anything, I can take a permanent or per diem job anywhere in Florida for awhile, which are very, very plentiful, and gain some experience in other settings, then pursue the travel therapy a little later.

I count myself very lucky/blessed that I am in the position to be able to make this change right now. Because I have no children or dependents, I can make riskier career decisions and pursue my own interests without having to think about how it will affect anyone else, because it won't. It's a great position to be in, and I have to say that no matter what happens, I know that I made the right choice for me.

The Milk Carton

I should be heading to bed right now, resting up for a strangely busy day at work tomorrow...but I glanced at the carton of milk in my fridge...and noticed the sell-by date was March 31st. It suddenly hit me...this milk is going to be around longer than I will. I haven't been able to sleep since. For the first time, I'm starting to get sentimental about moving...I've just been sitting here thinking about all the people, places and things I'm going to miss. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about the future, and all the new experiences I have to look forward to...But just for tonight, I'm allowing myself to take a little look back...Alas, one look is all I can afford, since I don't want to dampen my enthusiasm for the coming weeks and months.

As I look around, I realize that I'm really going to miss the place I call home. I've been in this apartment for two years, and it's the first place that's really felt like home since I moved out of my childhood home several years ago. I think two years is the longest I've been in one place since then, and it was enough time to make this place my own. I'm going to really miss coming home after a long day at work, kicking off my shoes and relaxing in a place that truly feels like it's mine (even if I am just renting it). I'm going to miss hearing the train whistle at night. Some people might have found it annoying, but it was just one of those things that I found soothing. I'm going to miss sitting out on my porch on Saturdays and looking out over the trees while sipping on a mug of hot chocolate. I'm going to miss baking in my kitchen, taking a really hot bath in my giant tub, napping on my bed on Sundays with the patio door open...

I'm going to miss the city of Gainesville a little, too...although only a little. I'll miss riding my bike on the Hawthorne trail, walking down Newberry road to go to lunch on sunny days...and that's about it for Gainesville, haha!

I'm going to miss the many friends I've made here in Gainesville, though...especially in the last couple of years. I hope to stay in touch with everyone, and I'm sure I'll be back periodically to visit, since my parents, grandparents and my cousin and her family all live here...

Which brings me to my last point...I'm really going to miss having my parents close by...going to lunch with my Mom, eating dinner with my grandparents, hanging out at my parents' house on Sundays to watch football with Dad and scrapbook with Mom. I've been so blessed to always have my parents nearby when I need them, and it's going to be hard to not be able to see them whenever I want to.

I don't know exactly where I'm headed yet, but I hope that I have the chance to create as many fond memories there as I've had here.

Cheddar Sour Cream Cape Cod potato chips

So...definitely thought that I'd never want to eat another Cheddar Sour Cream Cape Cod potato chip ever again. They used to be my favorite thing to eat when I'd walk in the door after work and wanted something to munch on before dinner. Sometimes, they would be dinner, with a couple handfuls of chocolate chips for dessert...only on Fridays though, when I was just too tired to cook...Until one day, I opened a bag and the weirdest thing happened...I didn't want them! The thought of eating another one literally made me nauseated. I thought I was just having an off day, and I'd get my game back soon...but nope, the feeling continued...just one look at that opened and chip-clipped bag of potato chips in my pantry, and I knew I couldn't eat a single one. Eventually, the opened bag got stale and I had to throw it away. I still had an unopened bag, which sat in my pantry for a good five months...until today...
I woke up from my accidental two-hour nap, and my first thought was...I could really go for some Cheddar Sour Cream Cape Cod potato chips right now! Thankfully, I had an extra bag on hand to satisfy my craving...I'm back!!

My December...

It's obviously been months since I've blogged anything...However, I've had something on my mind that just keeps astonishing me every time I think about it...So maybe writing about it will be a way to get it out of my head for good...

I'm amazed at how resilient the heart is...not the physical organ (though I'm sure it's resilient as well), but when I'm speaking of the heart, I'm referring to one's intangible, invisible, emotional center (this is a poor description, but there aren't really any words to describe the "heart"). I used to see the heart as an object over which there was a stamp advising, "Fragile! Handle with care." I once thought the heart could actually be broken...In fact, I thought my heart was broken.

I thought that "organ" that once carried so much hope, so much joy and anticipation, was no longer capable of such feelings, that the damaging blow it had received was too severe to recover from. This didn't bother me too much; I figured I could get along without a "heart", since I've witnessed plenty of seemingly heartless people function relatively normally. In fact, I thought life would probably just be easier without all those messy emotions getting in the way anyway.

...But, now I'm not sure the heart can be broken...At least, not broken beyond repair, anyway (maybe it's just easily bruised). Turns out, the heart can absorb quite a blow without sustaining permanent damage. I've discovered that hope is buried so deep in the heart that the strongest blow, the most efficient attack cannot destroy the hope that is so deeply hidden. It may take a while for that hope to resurface, and there may be times that you will doubt that hope survived the battle, but now I'm pretty sure that it always will. There may be a period of winter, but there is one thing that you can count on...Spring will eventually overcome winter, and hope will always conquer fear.

Mabye beggars can be choosers?

I know that I am not a great fountain of wisdom or anything, but sometimes I wonder how a truth that is so real to me can be so completely invisible to someone else.

I have recently been amazed at how easily people give up on their dreams...As though if something is not easily attained, it is not meant to be theirs. It bothers me to hear people say that "everything happens for a reason," offering that up as an excuse to give up on a goal or a dream because of some circumstance that did not work out in their favor. How do they not know that the greatest treasures in life are not the things you settle for, but the things that you have to fight for, work hard for, even wait for.

I think sometimes the adjective "picky" is used in a negative way, as though being picky or choosy were a bad thing, something to be ridiculed or looked down upon. "Beggars can't be choosers" is another little quip I don't like. Why can't beggars be choosers? When did being picky become a bad thing? Maybe it's the negative connotation that non-choosy people put on it to further their own denial of their lack of patience that irritates me.

I can't think of one good thing that comes easily. It seems that more and more people give up at the first sign of trouble, throwing in the towel...in their marriages, their dreams, in life, everything. But "the best things in life aren't free"; that's an adage that actually has some truth to it. Life is tough sometimes, no way around it, and there will always be mountains on the way to your goals, no way to avoid them. You just have to scale them...because the most precious things in life are worth the trouble, if you have the will, the patience and the faith to obtain them.

So...I haven't posted anything in quite a while...but who cares, nobody's reading this anyway, right? It's not so much fun when nobody else blogs...

Anyway, winter is looming, I'm sad, no more sunshine beating down on me, no cloud of humidity to hit me in the face when I leave for work in the morning. I really do love that; it's why I live in Florida and if it was HOT all year round I would not complain for one day. Also, once it gets really cold, no more bike riding!! I am the most upset about this. I rode 20 miles the other day, and though to most of you avid riders this is nothing, to me it was the most amazing ride yet. I finished the 20 and felt like I could have gone 20 more...And I'm really sad that I can't handle the cold weather rides...Does anyone else have trouble with their inner ears when riding in cold weather...or have a solution for this?

So to combat the cold weather blues, I have just completed an online order for three winter coats...and one more scarf to add to my collection. Yes, I do realize that I live in Florida and will probably only use them for a few months, but...Buying clothes makes me happy, and having cute coats to wear during the cold weather will make it just a little more bearable...Totally worth it!